I AM HARVEY KEITEL

This is why you guys should not leave me alone in LA.

free time

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Truth via gchat: Tessa remains weird as shit.

Thought Experiment #1

Mary and Tessa are sitting at the kitchen table.

There are ten menus from area restaraunts in front of them.

How long do these ten menus keep them amused?

PSA to Nichele

Just because you aren't in Koreatown, and just because Tessa and I have taken over your TiVo, does not mean you can stop posting.

Get on it gurl.

Like Our Lives Depended on It

Hot just like an oven
I need some lovin'
Can't hold it much longer
It's getting stronger

And stronger

ok.

it took some time.

some deep breaths.

some counseling sessions.

i'm finally ready to post after mary desecrated WHTMTOOH.

phew.

Things I think about: ...

Things I think about: leet speak

"If you speak fluent 1337, n00bs will tremble. Pros will give you some respect. It'll spice up life, and make it more fun/funny/interesting. Only non-n00bs will have an idea of what you're saying. But you won't care, cuz guess what? You'll be 1337, dude, and thats what's important in life. Not college, not getting a job, (ok, maybe women); being 1337 is what really matters. 1337 does come in handy in some real-world situations, but is useless in others; here are some examples.

Its good when:

* You're gaming
* You're IM-ing
* You feel secretive
* You want to pwn a n00b

Its bad when:

* You're talking to girls
* You're talking to n00bs
* You're talking to your parents"

Truth via gchat: we are creeps

How-To: Make Life Interesting/Dangerous

Let Nichele sit shotgun.
Let Nichele dance to Paper Planes by MIA.
Watch as Nichele fake-shoots people.*
Watch as people real-shoot back.**


*Actual
**Hypothetical

Things I think about: 11/19/08

Why don't motion sensor toilets flush when you sit down?

Truth via gchat: Mary is a liar.

Slash welcome to the blog, Mary.

Truth is Here

Truths come out at Lakers games, everyone knows that.

Here's one for you:
Pat hates Francis!

Truth via gchat: Pat is a snob

Truth via gchat: Tessa is a clown.

gchat video

I don't get it. Why do I want to watch Nichele type at me? I can just stare at this picture instead:

TAKE MY SURVEY BITCHES

click this link 'cos i need A's

Things I Would Like To Do This Weekend

1) Attend horse races
2) Attend the No on 8 Rally
3) Hike to the Hollywood Sign
4) Get a massage in Koreatown
5) Eat at the Falafel Corner
6) Go to Karaoke

Nichele refuses to participate in any of this because she has a black heart.

Quotables: 715 S. Normandie

Justin: Nice TV
Nichele: I hate you.


Justin: You know what I hate?! Fucking empire waists.
Nichele: Why??
Justin: BECAUSE THEY MAKE WOMEN LOOK FUCKING UGLY.


[sitting on the couch at home.]
Nichele: The movie starts in one minute.
Justin: We're definitely going to make it.

Can't Do It Alone

"I don't consider this to be a good format for me, which makes me more cautious. I often find myself trapped by the questions and thinking to myself, 'You know, this is a stupid question, but let me ... answer it.' So when Brian Williams is asking me about what's a personal thing that you've done [that's green], and I say, you know, 'Well, I planted a bunch of trees.' And he says, 'I'm talking about personal.' What I'm thinking in my head is, 'Well, the truth is, Brian, we can't solve global warming because I f---ing changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective'."

http://www.newsweek.com/id/167581

Happy Wednesday America

Idiocy via gchat: Nichele is Disgusting

If You Had the Following SWEET Snacks...

...sitting on your desk, which one (or combination) would you choose?

1) MINI Oreos
2) Ritz Bits w/Cheese
3) Ritz Bits w/Peanut Butter
4) Nutter Butter Bites
5) Cheetos
6) Fritos
7) Barbeque Lays


It truly is a conundrum.

Sweet Stuff on Hollywood Boulevard circa 2:30 AM on Saturday Night

[1]
Random guy walking in opposite direction: [to N, T & M] WOW! You guys have a nice mix.
M: Hey, thanks--do you know where Opera is?
RGWIOD: [tries to start chatting]
N: Come on, Mary--you can't talk to strangers.

**THIRTY SECONDS LATER**: Across the street...

RGWIOD is dancing like a bellydancer/matador to a homeless saxophone player.


[2]
Dirty dogs. Bacon-wrapped hot dogs. Only in Los Angeles.


[3]
Random guy on Hollywood Blvd: Hey girl, I'm dark skinned, I have no babies, I just got out the navy, I got money....I'll pay your mortgage.
T: [cracks up]
RGOHB: WHAT! I'll pay!

[4]
We walk by a blond with huge fake EEE tittays. As we walk by, she gets motorboated by her companion.

[5]
The L. Ron Hubbard Life Exhibition. Enough said.

[6]
Victor: Hi my name is Victor. You can call me Victor Fabulous.
Clark: Why are you fabulous?
Victor: BECAUSE. I'm RICH.

Thank You Jayne

Hooray for Isaac!

Our friend Isaac directed the new music video for 3oh!3, a great band out of colorado.

Nichele is a Giant Sandy Vagina

For leaving her dog to wee wee all over my apartment.

Lonely

Dear Nichele,

Please come home.

Thank you,
Tessa and Francis

My We Are Pretty

mush mush mush

This Bacon Has Bulk

The WOW Bacon Cooker promises you can make freshly broiled bacon ANYTIME YOU WANT! Happy Birthday Nichele!

www.wowbacon.com

Of course I trust you, Joe Six Pack, far more than I trust a Harvard Law School education. Call me elitist. I'll call you stupid.

Too good to be true: Hipster sighting on the Colbert Report

The scene: Colbert is making fun of the town hall debate that occurred tonight between John McCain (hiss) and Barack Obama (yay!).

Transcript:

[guy in "'vote' mccain" t-shirt stands up]

GIVMT: Hey Stephen....I'm a hipster, and I can't remember whether I bought this shirt ironically, because I actually hate McCain? Or if I in fact support John McCain? Or if maybe this is a band that I'm into?


Video

Village Idiots: Here Comes Disaster Pt. 2

I'm moving today. Finally joining the ranks of real adults and leaving the mom's house. I'm a bit torn: it will definitely suck to be responsible for rent and groceries but it will be far less awkward to bring dudes home. What's disastrous about this move you ask? Well, let me tell you. For the first time since our senior and junior years of college (respectively) Nichele and I will be living in close enough proxmity to simply yell at each other instead of using the myriad forms of communication our generation is such big fans of. As soon as R&D is done with the can phone, we'll be sure to post about how it worked. Well, I'm off to Koreatown. Wish me luck.

Truth via gchat: We are bad people

Tessa: steal shit

Nichele: hahahahaaha. i think we are immoral people. or maybe amoral. because i was thinking the same thing

Tessa: i think you mean immortal

Nichele's Fridge Alert: 10/01/08

Current Fridge-Alert status: HIGH

Contents:
Maple syrup (mom bought for me)
Ralph's brand salad dressing
1 jar alfredo sauce (2/3-empty)
Raspberry jam
1 loaf whole wheat bread
1 loaf Mom's banana bread

Truth via gmail: 5th Avenue Hookers

bear with me on this one, I promise all the pieces come together in the end....

Lyrics to the song The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel:
"Now I'm laying out my winter clothes and looking for a job
But I get no offers; just a come-on from the whores on 7th Avenue..."

(for all you musical idiots)

***

Chat with my friend Chris, 11/09/07:

1:23 PM Chris: asking only workman's wages i come looking for a job, but i get no offers...

1:25 PM me: are you calling me a whore?

1:26 PM Chris: definitely not a seventh avenue whore. maybe fifth

1:29 PM me: that is a small comfort

***

Email from my friend Chris, 10/01/08:

to: Nichele
from: Chris
date: Wed., October 1, 2008 at 3:54 PM
subject: Maureen Dowd

Check out Maureen Dowd today. There ARE whores on 5th Avenue and they are "stunning".

***

Maureen Dowd's Op Ed on Paul Newman


The quote in reference:
"He recalled how utterly flummoxed he was the time a stunning call girl approached him on Fifth Avenue and offered to dispense with her fee."

***

My question to the blogosphere:

Am I offended or flattered?

Truth Via gchat: Sarah Palin what's up?

Hipster Safari: My School Had a Football Team

http://stuffhipstersdontlike.wordpress.com/my-hipster-dilemma/

This girl is amazing. I'm a little pissed she got to doing this before we did but living in williamsburg probably gives her an upperhand. But she does sum up how we feel so succintly "I still don’t know if I’m a hipster or not, and I don’t think I ever will. By vehemently denying my hipsterdom, I automatically become one, while if I accept… well, I don’t know what that makes me. Nobody wants to be a hipster."

Maybe she'll let us contribute our National Geographic Hipster Safaris. Well, maybe once we've stopped being lazy fucks and actually go on the National Geographic Hipster Safari. Though, onetime, Nichele met a hipster at the dog park. He told her living in koreatown was "super authentic". ha.

Village Idiots: HERE COMES DISASTER

Nichele starts working in my office today. And we thought it was bad in there before. Stay tuned for reports from the field. If we can safely get a camera crew in close enough, photographic evidence of the destruction bound to happen will soon be shared.

How-To: Order Food When Someone Else is Paying

Payer: Jeremy
Non-Payers: Mary, Nichele, and Tessa
Restaurant: Phillipe's, Home of the French Dip

J: Do you know why they named the sandwich the French Dip?
M, T, N: silence
J: Phillipe dropped the sandwich into the lap of a guy named French.
M, T, N: silence
J: Okay, Hi. I'd like to order one double dipped lamb french dip
T: I'd like one double dipped lamb french dip. No, make that a single. Double's a little intense for the first time. One single dipped lamb french dip. With Jack Cheese.
N: One single dipped turkey french dip.
J: Nichele, if you get the lamb and don't like it, I will buy you a turkey sandwich.
N: Jeremy, none of us have cash, you are already buying my meal.
T: Jeremy's buying dinner? Can I add macaroni salad to my order?
N: Don't forget the potato salad!
M: I'd like a single dipped lamb french dip sandwhich. No cheese though.
J: I'd like two lemonades. Mary you should get a lemonade.
N: I'd like two lemonades please.
M: I don't really want lemonade.
T: I'd like a cup of coffee please.
J: Mary, the lemonade is really good. You should try it.
N: Can we also have a bag of potato chips?
T: Did you get my peach half?
M: Alright, one glass of lemonade.
N: You should make it two.
T: Yah, Mary. Remember, Jeremy is paying.
M: Okay, two glasses of lemonade.
T: Don't forget the pickled pig's foot!

Quotables: Brentwood

T: Mark, why did you keep drinking even after we got home?
M: Well, no one told us not to.

Terminology: Smokeshow

Smokeshow (n.)

1. Perfect 10 out of 10. It's hard to explain--you just know.

Example: "I saw this girl, and I was like....wow. She is a smokeshow."

-Jordan

Quotables: 715 S. Normandie Ave

J: I'm 22. I'll be 23 next year.


T: J, when was the first time you realized that you sucked?

Quotables: The Village Idiot

D: I'm CANADIAN.
S: Like, according to your passport?
D: No, according to my LIFE.


J: [dead serious] You know what's great? The internet.


S: I hate fish jello.
C: [as if this is a logical response] I'm always getting raped by him!

california rolls. seriously.

Let's travel back a bit in time (say two hours) as I approach the order counter for my local sushi joint. I moved towards the counter cautiously, as I noticed a woman playing a rather intense game of peek-a-boo with a young child. Please note the child is hiding behind the legs of the man I assume is the father, shaking, cowering, evidently fearing for his life. Immediately I think, this awful mother, playing a game of peek-a-boo that is driving her poor child near to tears. Who the hell does that? Anyways, the woman turns around to me and says "Look at this kid! He won't even say hi! His parents did not train him to be very friendly." So finally, the poor kid's father ushers him away and it's crazy lady's turn to order. Putting together her outlandish childcare skills, swaying body, smeared eye makeup and insistence on calling the Japanese owner of the restaurant "Senor", I quickly realized she was three sheets to the wind. She managed to somehow pull together an order of california rolls, teriyaki chicken and miso soup and turns to sit herself down. She turned abruptly into me, glancing up and down as though she didn't remember the little interaction we just shared about her attempted child molestation and says "By Golly! You are just as cute as a button". I'm six feet tall lady, if you're going to compliment tell me I should be a supermodel or I could be the Jolly Green Giant's twin. Cute as a button? Fuck you. ANYWAYS, now for the best part of the evening. I managed to seat myself across the restaurant from her while angling myself for a good view of her actions. Boy was that maneuvering worth it. Her food soon came and she picked up her chopsticks, ONE IN EACH HAND. She proceeded to pick up (or attempt to pick ups) her first roll. After multiple failed endeavors she finally managed to get one close to her mouth, splayed elbows and all. I swear you could see drool pooling from her mouth out into the teriyaki sauce. As the roll reached her mouth, she lost her tenuous grip on the sticks and the roll went fell, then went ROLLING down the table, all the way to the edge then careened to the floor. So what did she do? She leaned her body as far as it could reach, took one of her chopsticks and stabbed the sucker before ushering it quickly into her mouth. Part of me hopes she doesn't remember that in the morning. Part of me wants to also apologize for the lack of brevity in this story.

Nichele's Fridge-Alert, 9/25/08

Current Fridge-Alert status: ELEVATED

Contents:
Week-old pizza
Peanut butter (bad idea--keep it in the pantry)
Maple syrup (mom bought for me)
Month-old milk
Rotten eggs
One bottle of water
Half an avocado from 3 weeks ago (Tessa)
Chopped onions from 3 weeks ago (Tessa)
2 cans of Coke (cannibalized from discussion section of Jour190)
1 bottle of water (3/4 empty)
Left over Thai food (low-quality)

Inaugural

We do stupid stuff. We observe and engage in idiocy daily. We will document these things here so that you can laugh--with us or at us--and keep up to date with our intensely interesting lives.