california rolls. seriously.

Let's travel back a bit in time (say two hours) as I approach the order counter for my local sushi joint. I moved towards the counter cautiously, as I noticed a woman playing a rather intense game of peek-a-boo with a young child. Please note the child is hiding behind the legs of the man I assume is the father, shaking, cowering, evidently fearing for his life. Immediately I think, this awful mother, playing a game of peek-a-boo that is driving her poor child near to tears. Who the hell does that? Anyways, the woman turns around to me and says "Look at this kid! He won't even say hi! His parents did not train him to be very friendly." So finally, the poor kid's father ushers him away and it's crazy lady's turn to order. Putting together her outlandish childcare skills, swaying body, smeared eye makeup and insistence on calling the Japanese owner of the restaurant "Senor", I quickly realized she was three sheets to the wind. She managed to somehow pull together an order of california rolls, teriyaki chicken and miso soup and turns to sit herself down. She turned abruptly into me, glancing up and down as though she didn't remember the little interaction we just shared about her attempted child molestation and says "By Golly! You are just as cute as a button". I'm six feet tall lady, if you're going to compliment tell me I should be a supermodel or I could be the Jolly Green Giant's twin. Cute as a button? Fuck you. ANYWAYS, now for the best part of the evening. I managed to seat myself across the restaurant from her while angling myself for a good view of her actions. Boy was that maneuvering worth it. Her food soon came and she picked up her chopsticks, ONE IN EACH HAND. She proceeded to pick up (or attempt to pick ups) her first roll. After multiple failed endeavors she finally managed to get one close to her mouth, splayed elbows and all. I swear you could see drool pooling from her mouth out into the teriyaki sauce. As the roll reached her mouth, she lost her tenuous grip on the sticks and the roll went fell, then went ROLLING down the table, all the way to the edge then careened to the floor. So what did she do? She leaned her body as far as it could reach, took one of her chopsticks and stabbed the sucker before ushering it quickly into her mouth. Part of me hopes she doesn't remember that in the morning. Part of me wants to also apologize for the lack of brevity in this story.